The Normisms file ==================================================== Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps. ==================================================== Coach: How's life treating you, Norm? Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife. ==================================================== Coach: How's life, Norm? Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach. ==================================================== Coach: How's it going, Norm? Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'. ==================================================== Sam: What's up, Norm? Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there. ==================================================== Coach: What's the story, Norm? Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it. ==================================================== Sam: What's new, Norm? Norm: Most of my wife. ==================================================== Coach: Beer, Norm? Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it. ==================================================== Coach: What's doing, Norm? Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen to be the guinea pig. ==================================================== Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm? Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one. Coach: How about a beer, Norm? Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life. ==================================================== Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm? Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in. Coach: What's up, Norm? Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach. ==================================================== Coach: What's shaking, Norm? Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach. Coach: Beer, Normie? Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. Eh, why not, I'm still young. ==================================================== [Norm comes in with an attractive woman.] Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera? Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe. ==================================================== Coach: What's up, Normie? Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach. ==================================================== Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie? Norm: Going down? [Norm returns from the hospital.] Coach: What's up, Norm? Norm: Everything that's supposed to be. ==================================================== [Norm comes in, depressed. He just stands by the door with a sullen face.] Norm: [mutters] Afternoon, everybody. All: Norm? (Norman?) ==================================================== Sam: What's new, Normie? Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach. They're demanding beer. ==================================================== Coach: What'll it be, Normie? Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel. ==================================================== Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie? Norm: Daddy wuvs you. ==================================================== Sam: What'd you like, Normie? Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer. ==================================================== All: Norm! Cliff: Afternoon, everybody. All: [silence] ==================================================== Sam: What will you have, Norm? Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap. Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm. Norm: Call me Mister Lucky. ==================================================== Sam: What do you say, Norm? Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer. ==================================================== Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie? Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town? ==================================================== Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody. All: Norm! (Norman.) Sam: Still pouring, Norm? Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing. ==================================================== Sam: What's the good word, Norm? Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz. Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer... Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah... Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up. ==================================================== Sam: Whaddya say, Norm? Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes. ==================================================== [Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama] Off-screen crowd: Norm! Sam: How the hell do they know him here? Cliff: He's got a life, you know. ==================================================== Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer. ==================================================== Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Elope with my wife. [Norm is angry.] Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Clifford Clavin's head. ==================================================== Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie. ==================================================== Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm? Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy, and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear. ==================================================== Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie? Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp. ==================================================== Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson? Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me? ==================================================== Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson? Norm: My cheeks on this barstool. Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer? Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ... Eh, make that one-thirty. ==================================================== Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Poor. Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Norm: No, I meant `pour'. ==================================================== Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story? Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer. ==================================================== Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you? Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper. Norm: Hey, everybody. All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich] Norm: [carries on both sides of the conversation himself] Norm! (Norman.) How are you feeling today, Norm? Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer. ==================================================== Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer. Film at eleven. ==================================================== Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better. ==================================================== Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one? Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers. Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that swallowed the canary. Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down. ==================================================== Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson? Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass. ==================================================== Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Let's talk about what's going Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody. ==================================================== Sam: How's life treating you? Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't. ==================================================== Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson? Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody? Woody: For a beer? Norm: No, for stupid questions. ==================================================== Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson? Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's just cut to the happy ending. ==================================================== Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you. Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here. ==================================================== Sam: Beer, Norm? Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good. ==================================================== Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.'' ==================================================== [Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.] Norm: Afternoon, everybody! All: Anton! ==================================================== Sam: What can I get you, Norm? Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding. Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers. ==================================================== Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose? Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh? ==================================================== Sam: What are you up to Norm? Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall. ==================================================== Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson. Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going Mr. Peterson.' Sam: What do you know there, Norm? Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me? Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm? Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead. Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room. ==================================================== Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up? Norm: The warranty on my liver. [Norm returns from another trip to plug the parking meter] Sam: What'll you have this time, Norm? Norm: A cow if I have to climb those stairs one more time. [The Cranes are concerned that Frederick has yet to say his first word.] Norm: Afternoon, everybody. Frederick: Norm! Lilith: He said Mommy! ==================================================== Sam: What can I do for you, Norm? Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam. ==================================================== Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood. ==================================================== Sam: [answers the phone] Cheers! ... [to gang] Hey guys, it's Norm. [holds up the receiver] All: Norm! Sam: [to phone] Hey, what's shakin' man? [chuckles] [to gang] Where does he come up with these things? ==================================================== Sam: What's going on, Normie? Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in it, and I'll blow out my liver. ==================================================== Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin? Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut. Found him every couple of blocks. ==================================================== "How about a beer, Norm?" "That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!"